How to control your memories

A box of past memories

When I say “winner,” I don’t mean being successful and winning 100% of the time. No. Winners - true winners - know how to accept defeat, a loss of something in their lives, and then move on from it, learning a valuable lesson that will serve them in the near or far future. Winners don’t let the defeat pull them down.

On the other hand, losers mope and whine and fixate their attention on the defeat, sometimes even many years later, seemingly hoping that feeding that memory with attention and reliving it day after day, month after month, year after year, will one day make them feel better. In reality, doing so causes them to strengthen the neural pathways associated with that memory, thus strengthening the repetition of negative emotions, like anger and frustration, in their lives. A positive feedback loop ensues, making it so they continuously fill their lives with negative emotions. That usually leads to a downward spiral into depression or hopelessness, with the final result possibly even being death. Yikes.

Be careful with the memories you replay in your mind.

Did you know memories are malleable? Did you know we don’t remember them exactly as they were? We actually remember them with the feelings we have in the present moment. If we take control of our present feelings, that means we literally have the power to alter our memories! How cool is that?!?

Here’s a practical guide to making your memories work for you, rather than against you:

1. You remember a past memory, along with the emotions associated with it. (Usually it’s a negative memory. Our minds love to fixate on what can be improved about past situations.)

2. You start reliving those emotions. STOP. Make the conscious choice to be aware of you feeling those emotions.

3. Observe those emotions. Ask yourself questions: Are these emotions good or bad? Do I want to be feeling them? Have I relived this memory before? Is this something I want to keep reliving? How can I change the emotions associated with this memory? 

4. Accept what you felt before in that past memory, be it embarrassment, annoyance, or something else. Accept that was what you felt before, but don’t let it affect your current state. You can think something like “I felt bad because of ____, but that situation is already in the past. I want to move on from it and not feel it anymore.”

5. Shift the perception of that memory in your mind. Instead of feeling regret for the memory happening, think of what you may have learned from it. What did it expose about someone else in your life? What did it show about yourself?

6. Determine how you’re going to change your perception of it from now on. You may think “I experienced that in the past, and it taught me ________ about my surroundings/ myself/ other people. Now that I learned that lesson, there is no reason for this memory to come up anymore. If it does come up again, I am going to reinforce my new belief that the emotions from that old memory have no hold over my present and future self.”

7. From now on, treat the memory with neutrality. If the memory comes up again, repeat steps 1-6 until it no longer affects you (it does not stir any emotions, negative or positive, within you).

8. Tada! Congratulations! Now you know how to control your memories, instead of letting them control your emotions, and, in the grand scheme of things, your life! 

Repeat the process above if your desired result is being at peace with negative memories from the past or replacing the negative emotions with positive ones.

I've used this process many times throughout the past half year, and it yielded a clearer mind and happier life. Reach out to me at @achievelifebalance on Instagram or linguabalance@gmail.com by email for help with implementing this process into your life.